Wing Challenge 2002

Saturday, December 30 2006 @ 10:42 pm UTC

Contributed by: Billy

Back in 2002, the lads at battled it out to see who'd be crowned Wing King 2002. The challenge: To see who could eat the most "Blazin'" Wings from Buffalo Wild Wings as possible. The prize? The glory of holding the title... or something...


The objective:
To eat as many "Blazin'" category wings from Buffalo Wild Wings as humanly possible without resorting to any sort of blue cheese, celery, or liquid refreshment. The last person standing will be crowned "The Wing King" (even if it's Sarah, she'll still be King, sorry).



After much debate on this item, I would recommend the equation granting each Blazin wing a rating of 1.8 as the most reasonable comparison available. However, I have asked our manufacturer to provide me with a Scoville or similar heat rating index for each of our sauces to help better define an accurate rating system. I hope this helps in some small way, and best of luck in the arbitration of this contest.

Our contestants:

Mark Ahrens
Eric Chamberlin
Robert Thompson
Sarah Vigmostad
Max # of blazin' wings consumed in one sitting
Stamina (on scale of 1 to 10, 10 being highest)
Sarcastic wieners to date

The staff of SARCASTIC MATTBOT'S SUPER-SARCASTIC WEBSITE 5000 projects that Robert Thompson will be the winner of today's contest. Our staff feels confident enough to assign the following odds:

Robert Thompson 5:2
Mark Ahrens 4:1
Eric Chamberlin 15:1
Sarah Vigmostad 25:1

Only time will tell - BRING ON THE WINGS!!!

Name: Mark Ahrens
Hometown: The mean streets of Hanover Park, IL
Age: 22
Height: 10' 5"
Weight: 140 lbs
Hobby: eating hot wings

Name: Robert L. Thompson 1
Hometown: The not-so-mean-streets of somewhere in Iowa
Age: 21
Height: 6' 0"
Weight: 170 lbs.

Pregame preparations
Of course, blazin' wings aren't free. We caught up with Robert moments before he entered BW3 withdrawing a large sum of money for the task at hand. Despite the fact that his friends egged him into this competition, their cheapness prevented them from actually buying any of Robert's wings for him. If you look closely, I believe you can see that Robert's PIN is "HOTT." Hobby: eating hot wings

The orders are placed
Our crew arrived at BW3 and promptly grabbed what we thought would be THE HOTTEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE, i.e., next to some TVs in the corner. Mark and Robert each put in an order for 12 blazin' wings each. With goofy coaster-beacons at their sides, each anxiously awaited the blinking circular lights that would indicate it was time to get it on. In a culinary sense, that is, not sexually.

Several times we had to break the two apart, as there were fisticuffs and intense psychological mind games.

Ready to blaze
After an excruciating wait, the contestants' orders came up. Mark's came several minutes after Robert's, further heightening the tension in the room. As Jerrett "Pops" Ferguson so astutely noted, "You could cut the tension with a knife. And I pissed my pants!"

The excruciating pain begins
With a baker's dozen (minus one) of blazin' wings in front of them, Mark and Robert set out to the task at hand and began to consume wings like they were going out of style. Neither had much of a strategy and both showed incredible resolve and determination as the competition dragged into the wee hours of the early evening.

The peanut gallery
These handsome devils enjoy a couple of oat sodas while watching their friends chew through mouth-numbingly hot chicken wings.

"Pops" enjoys the mild wings because "they don't give me stomach upset or gass of the bowels."

Finishing off the first 12
Showing no regard for their own health or well-being, Mark and Robert continued their hand-to-mouth motions at such dizzying speeds that several binge drinkers in the area turned around to take note and stare in envy. Remember, neither contestant drank any beverage or used any meal aid like celery or blue cheese.

The taunts continued unabated from both Mark and Robert. Here Mark reminds Robert that he sucks; the second picture sees Robert describing how much he thinks Mark will puke during the second round.

Hitting the wall: the second dozen
By the time they started the second dozen, signs of fatigue were showing up on Mark - he had the characteristic flushed face, smoke was shooting out of his ears, and he was emitting fumes from his anus that would embarass any worker in a hog-rendering plant. As the pictures below clearly show, both Mark and Robert's faces were melting.

A star is born
A play by play of the final seconds:

Mark, ready to vomit all over The Other Matt (pictured in back), contemplates calling off the competition after finishing his 19th wing. At this stage of the competition, Robert was ahead by over one wing and still appeared to be going strong.

Deciding that he just couldn't take the heat, Mark got out of the kitchen, reaching for his tall boy of (caffeine free) Sprite and taking a much-deserved gulp of sweet, sweet liquid refreshment.

The competition officially ended in goodwill with a handshake between the two participants. I think Mark spit on his hand first though.

The final tally sheet shows the damage done: Robert finished the second basket to finish with 25 blazin' wings, besting Mark's 19. Dave and Scott tied for a distant third with one each.

Note that of the 48 wings ordered total, only 46 were accounted for on our sheet. Hmm, curious.

The Cleanup Crew Arrives
Scott decided to try a blazin' wing - obviously he was impressed. Or something.

Consolation Prize
Being the good sports that we are, Scott and I invested in a consolation prize for the loser(s) of this illustrious competition. We felt that the prize should call to mind images of sissiness and ridicule.

Final Stats

Blazin' wings eaten
Blazin' Wings Index (BWI) score
Beverages enjoyed during wings
Number of Tab colas in possession after competition

Comments (0)