Those asstastic guys are at it again! This time it's the asstastic.org Wing Challenge II, Buffalo Brawl! The Challenge: To eat as many hot wings as possible in one sitting. Can Robert retain his previous Wing King Title? Controversy, pleasure, pain, this competition has it all!
Wing Challenge II: Buffalo Brawl. What do you think of when you hear those words? If you answered "not very much" or "shut the hell up," then you have never witnessed the spectacle, the hype, the dizzying heights of glory, and the murky depths of defeat that surround a Wing Challenge.
A Quick Rundown
Warren Staal has a posse:
"The spice of life is contained within." *gestures toward BW3* -- Scott D. Iverson
Introduction & Background
What is a "Wing Challenge?"
Wing Challenge II: Buffalo Brawl. What do you think of when you hear those words? If you answered "not very much" or "shut the hell up," then you have never witnessed the spectacle, the hype, the dizzying heights of glory, and the murky depths of defeat that surround a Wing Challenge. From the outside, it may appear to be a gluttonous eating contest. For those brave enough to live the life of a Wing Challenger, though, Wing Challenges are about hype, heat, staying in the kitchen, and pure one-upsmanship.
Our Contestants: Participation Up 200%
A late entry to Wing Challenge II, Mr. Wolcott's strategy was to rely on the elements of surprise and heat to outlast his competitors.
Mr. Ahrens was the second place (first loser) contestant in Wing Challenge I: Tab Trauma and returned to this competiton, tanned, tested, and ready. For wings.
The darkhorse entry in the contest, Mr. Staal kept 'em guessing by not making his intentions to participate clear until the very day of the competition.
The current and reigning Wing King, he held an official belt (until Tracy threw it away) and claimed official bragging rights.
Pre-contest Hype and Lies
It would not have been a true Wing Challenge had the preceding days (it seemed like months) been filled with numerous slanders, insults, and outright lies. Accusations about dress-wearing, heat-dodging, and crying contestants became commonplace on the ITS No Help Desk's internal student listserv, HDJunk. Take a glimpse into the heretofore sealed Wing E-mail Archives for a taste of the heat before the heat:
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 01:03:16 -0500 (CDT)
From: Ocu-Hype Machine 3030
Subject: [hdjunk] Ok, no more beating around the bush.
That's right -- I will reiterate my claim to double my margin of victory over the last competition which would be winning by 12.
Anyone who wants to give it a shot had better speak up and for the rest of you who would rather cower in the corner instead of face me in head to head wing competition I expect to see you all there on this Friday ~5 pm at BW3 to see the one and only wing king throw his weight around in the ring.
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 16:21:07 -0500
From: Mark Ahrens
Subject: Re: [hdjunk] Ok, no more beating around the bush.
Yes, Robert needs to spout off whatever he can as he does not realize I have a picture of him practicing for the competition. Please note the look of constipation, possibly impling he is about to poop his...well you can see for yourself.
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 22:41:09 -0500 (CDT)
From: S. Iverson
Subject: Re: [hdjunk] Ok, no more beating around the bush.
An ode to tards:
Mark always loses,
Robert pokes hot wing in eye,
Beer quenches all pain
"It's all hot and hurts and stuff." -- Bactine commercial
Getting the Kinks Out
The Eggers-On Prepare to Scramble
It would be a lie to say that even those who were not planning on participating that night were on edge, myself included. I think I speak for everyone when I say that oftentimes the anticipation of gut linings being ripped to shreds is more exhilirating than the actual event. The eggers-on found several ways to express their excitement:
Some readied themselves with intense meditative sessions
Others resorted to mundane secretarial duties to combat the tension
Still others prayed to their gods for the souls of those about to compete
Heat cannot be separated from fire, or beauty from The Eternal." -- Dante
Descending Like a Horde of Buffalo Wing-Eating Locusts Upon BW3
Our Contestants (and their sweaty armpits) Put in Their Orders
Mark's amputated middle finger is of little use for taunting these days...
B33rs Ordered, Hecklers Assume Strategic Positions
From left to right: 2/3 of the Motorola Moles, firstname.lastname@example.org, unidentified well-wisher, ~fbroz, Reigning Wing King rlthomps-1, Eric "Von" Chamberlin, Future Wing King Warren (not pictured: Warren's fat girlfriend)
"Let's Get it On." -- Marvin Gaye
Chewing Through the Pain
0 to 50 in a few minutes
Thinking that 50 wings would be enough to start, the four contenders said goodbye (temporarily) to the proper function of their tastebuds and bowels and happily dug in. A moment of cordial goodwill before the first wing is "et":
The View from High Above Kitchen Stadium
A shiny nickel to anyone who can explain why Walters is running his hands through The Wing King's hair.
"We've added bigger salads, healthy turkey and chicken wrappers, and other lighter fare. Our new Southwestern Ranch dipping sauce doubles as salad dressing. " -- BW3 menu, taunting our contestants with cool, refreshing blue cheese and celery substitutes
Round One Concludes, Contestants Feel Heat
Robert grins his way through a wing, unawares of the tragedy about to descend upon him and his cherished title. Walters prays in the background while Scott does what he does best: heckles.
Jason Wolcott chews through a "chicken leg" while his eyes literally burn!
The three stooges
The aftermath of round one
"Pops is lax when it comes to guarding his beer, and we should be able to nab at least 1/2 a beer from him." -- Prophetic email from Scott Iverson to Matt Raw, protected by the Electronic Communications Privacy Act, 18 U.S.C. 2510-2521
Contestants Steadfastly Begin Round Two
The Peanut Gallery Busies Itself with Other Tasks
As the wings kept flying (pardon the pun) into the mouths of the four gloryseekers, the rest of the table found ways to amuse itself as the contest dragged on into the wee hours of the early evening. Wing Chronicler Matt Raw took a few moments to indulge his portraiture hobby:
As predicted, Pops's beer was stolen while he wasn't looking. Just as Our Hero was about to snap the photo to confirm the deed, a gruff, dad-sized hand grabbed him from the back and started scratching! Our Hero escaped with minor cuts and this blurry snap-shot that captures the essence of The Struggle For Pops's Beer. One can faintly make out the image of Brave Scott Iverson, lunging for a sip of beer before it was cruelly wrested away by its older, more paternal owner.
Pictures at a Challenge: Passing the Camera, Passing the Blame
Round Two Burns On
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" -- Peanut Gallery, to Warren
Warren Unwittingly Throws in the Towel?
Trailing by only one (1) wing after two rounds, Warren stood up to put in the next order, when, to everyone's horror (as we were all rooting for the underdogs at this point, though we knew that Wolcott and Mark weren't long for this world) Warren coolly pulled out a Wet-Nap, tore the package, AND BEGAN WIPING. Shouts came from across the table -- surely Warren knew what this signified?! Had the fan favorite just thrown in the 'Nap? After much hand-wringing and consternation by The Makers of Rules, it was decided that Warren perhaps didn't understand the significance of the Wet-Nap, and everyone agreed that he was just being the polite customer by washing himself off instead of handing over sauce-covered "buffalo bills" to the cashier. A picture from that dramatic moment:
Whew...that was a close one
Faith in Warren restored, the table waited paitently for another round of wings. God was testing us this night -- the wait became so excruciatingly long that two table scouts set out for the kitchen to find out, in their words, "what the Sam Hell was taking so God Damn long." Fortunately, they did not return empty-handed from their Lewis & Clark-esque voyage behind the BW3 curtain. The following EXCLUSIVE Content Webring™ pictures survived:
Chicken is the primary ingredient in BW3 wings
Knives are also used in the kitchens of BW3
"Our commitment to our customers and our brand, coupled with the discipline of an experienced management team puts us in the position to support unlimited expansion and growth of the Buffalo Wild Wings system." -- Sally Smith, President & CEO, Buffalo Wild Wings
The Competition Runs Home Crying
Though battling valiantly and far exceeding even this skeptic's predictions, Jason Wolcott threw in the towel at 28 blazin' wings. Those at the table jeered his weakness while ordering another round of beers to celebrate the ongoing pain of the three remaining contestants.
Jason Wolcott finishes fourth overall, but second among participating Masons
The BW3 Manager Comes Out to Impress the Table
Needless to say, our group gluttony drew a few stares, and more than one chicken bone was lobbed in our direction (don't worry, there was NO blue cheese on it!) in the hopes that it might function as a crude pipe bomb. The BW3 manager, seeing the opportunity to win us over for life, sauntered over with the fourth round of wings, an extra bit o' blazin' sauce and a single penny. She proceeded to turn Wing Challenge II into a Manager Demo Area:
"This is what will happen to a penny if you eat it and there is sauce in your stomach."
Needless to say, some were less than impressed with the demo:
"Corrode this, baby!"
"WHAT YOU SAY!"
"Use of a cell phone at a restaurant can help me out of this tight spot!"
"I will reiterate my claim to double my margin of victory." -- Robert Thompson, from the email that came back to haunt him
And then there were two...
Mark threw in the Wet Nap after an astounding 35 wings. Though he nearly doubled his total from Wing Challenge I, he managed to slip a spot, finishing third (second loser). His performance bodes well for future endeavors, and despite this setback, his presence in future competitions is virtually assured.
The two remaining participants kiss, don't make up, kiss more
"I guess this proves once and for all that De-Nial ain't just a river in Egypt." -- Scott Iverson
Staggering Toward the Finish
The Wing King...Defeated?!
And the unthinkable happened. As Warren and Robert neared the end of their fourth order of blazin' wings -- all the while participating without liquid, celery, or blue cheese aids -- a palpable sense of nausea and gas could be felt 'round the table. Claiming that he was "too full to continue," and realizing that another long wait for additional wings could make a mess, Robert bowed out of Wing Challenge II. Warren left no doubt as to the outcome, finishing the remaining wings in the basket and promptly doubling over in severe pain. The two then shared a gentlemanly Wet-Nap. Final score: Warren 39, Robert 37.
After the group pictures and presentation of Warren's WING KING GRUB CLUB membership card, each bolted for the restroom, holding their "bottoms."
"I am almost rendered an invalid by the obvious ailment one contracts after eating soooo many BLAZING wings but the shear euphoric bliss I am now bathing in, a welcomed condition, eases the duly expected malady." -- Warren Staal, victory email
Wing Challenge II: Heckler's Paradise
The REAL winners of Wing Challenge II: the hecklers.
Wing Challenge II was brought to you by...
The Content Webring™