Home Made
Derian's 30,000 Calorie Sandwich


So I'm sure you all have seen the Giant Sandwich. If you haven't, go there now. When I first read that, I realized he is a god among men.

So I got an idea in my head. A particularly stupid idea. This makes it even harder to simply pass up.

I think to myself: "I can top this guy - he didn't fry anything!"

And it begins.


The result will be… appalling. A tyrant of a sandwich, so gargantuan and calorically blessed that the mere sight of which would cause Jesus himself to break down in an explosive torrent of tears and fury.

Consumption of this sandwich, this crime against nature, should in and of itself be enough to sentence its eater to the third Dantean circle and an eternity in festering muck.

Everything in the sandwich, with the exception of some of the veggies, cheese, and condiments will be fried; either pan-fried in gratuitous amounts of butter, bacon fat, and garlic salt, or plunged into a deep fat fryer. Preferably both.

I quickly drafted up a grocery list. To some, this might look like the shopping list for a small family. Nay, it will all become part of my tyrant of a sandwich. Here is the final list:

Food Calories
Fried Mushrooms – 15 450
Bacon – 14 pieces 990
Onion rings – 18 1140
Ground Beef – 1/4 lb. 293
Corndogs – 2 540
Swiss Cheese – 4 slices 425
Provolone Cheese – 4 slices 397
Cheddar Cheese – 4 slices 455
Sliced Ham – 1/4 lb. 184
Sliced Turkey – 1/4 lb. 181
Pastrami – 1/4 lb. 394
Sliced Roast Beef – 1/4 lb. 200
Bratwurst – 1 510
Braunschweiger – 1/4 lb. 580
Wheat Bread – 1 lb. 1030
Lettuce – 1/2 head 25
Feta Cheese – 4 oz. 350
Italian Salad Dressing – 6 oz. 480
Oregeno – 50 grams 438
Salt & Pepper – 50 grams 0
Butter – 1/2 lb. 1600
Parmesan Cheese – 100 grams 465
Canola Oil – 154 Tbsp. 18,432
Total 29,559

On a windy November afternoon, a particular afternoon that we had off of school, Ben, Jeff and I spent two hours gathering the necessary ingredients for the sandwich. Our first stop was Wal-Mart.

Upon arrival at Wally world, I secured a cart and we began our hoarding. Most of the fried goods were acquired here, as well as the bread and a few other things. The total ended at $14.07. Not too bad, I think to myself. Next plan of attack: hit up Hy-Vee.

Hy-Vee was likewise raided. This time, the deli counter. “I need a quarter pound of ham, turkey, pastrami, roast beef, cheddar, swiss and provolone.” The woman behind the counter was appalled at my delivery. I merely responded with the truth, “I’m making a 30,000 calorie sandwich,” as calmly as possible. She seemed to understand my quest, and turned out baggies of meat and cheese for me.

Once all of the food had been taken captive, and we had begun our exit, we stopped. Oil! Quickly we rushed back to the aisle with oils, and snagged a nearby worker to explain to us the difference between vegetable and canola oil. She recommended canola oil. A quick calorie comparison proved her right. A gallon bottle was placed in the cart, and we left, however not before forking over $33. Yes, you read correctly. A forty-seven ($47) dollar sandwich.

Sadly, it was at this point that the camera died. I was in no state to move to get more batteries, so it lives on only in our memories. And this webpage, I suppose.

The rest of the sandwich went down without further incident.... over the next 12 hours. The first thing people always ask me is how it tasted - freakin' awesome.

Email me at Derian (at)

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